Looking up toward (and longing for) Four Peaks.
for those with whom i've been slack on comms recently....sorry. no valid excuses. just some insight....
w/this injured hinge, i'm living inside a body in which i'm not
familiar, not at home. it doesn't do what the rest of it wants to do.
it wants to sprint up a mountain, pedal over a crest, a million other
things that it doesn't even yet know it wants til it gets its urge.
but now it's just a shell that the girl inside is trying so hard
not to be mad at, trying to stay loyal and thankful because that same shell --
and broken hinge -- is pretty much solely responsible for the best days of her
life, biggest/hardest lessons learned in life, and surely for some of the
biggest grins ever.
the heart and soul and legs and lungs and wild eyes want to run
as hard as i can, but the hinge won't have it. that little millimeter of
"ouch" is a meteor-size NO! so while i have all this time
on my hands, it'd seem easy, practical actually, to just take advantage of
doing other things, and perhaps to get to know someone/something new. but it's not
that easy. i dont want someone learning this version of me. i dont
even like this version of me. it's foreign. it's so far out of my
element and comfort zone. it's a lot to handle up in the ol 'nogin.
spoiled i must sound, and spoiled i surely am. my life
has been about movement about freedom about doing what the body wants....and
now the emergency brake is on and i dont want it to be. time is ticking
and i've got to relearn a rhythm...hopefully a temporary one in hopes that this
is fixable, that I myself will be fixable.
i rely on no one but myself for contentment, for fun, for grins,
for satisfaction....and right now i've let myself down. but i can't be mad
at that little worn-out hinge. i've surely abused it, and i'm sure it's already given
me, in my short lifetime, far more than most would ever dream of. so woe is
me and my spoiled rotten little pity party, haha. i'll survive. it's
not cancer, i realize. life is not over. but it is a big deal for
me and showing myself in this light is ill-advised. while yes, it's the real
me, it's not the best me, and it's really not even a passing grade. i'm
too distracted w/HEAL HEAL HEAL...
in
the interim, there's a big ol purty world outside and i need to admire it...and figure out how to either get me running on its ridgelines and/or just exploring it while letting the lil hinge heal up.
And finally, the sun setting upon Four Peaks....a special few moments of pure chance that I was able to see the sunkiss upon the peaks in the one saddle where the peaks peaked through. A sweet ending to a sweet day....
